Chargers fans eagerly await analysis of the team’s first preseason game, but one thing stands out immediately: The players have great last names.
The Chargers dropped their first preseason game to the Cardinals, a 13-17 loss that was two parts exciting and one part boring. Fans were given the chance to see how a few rookies and lesser-known players fared against NFL competition, scrambling through the team’s roster to figure out which number corresponded to which player.
As the game rolled on, one thing became clear: The Chargers have some great last names on this roster. Whether most of them make the roster remains to be seen, but for now, enjoy it while it lasts. It’s time to activate the dad jokes.
Ty Long: A punter with the last name Long deserves to be a starting special teams player in this league. What’s more, the new punter was featured on a couple kickoffs, booting the ball out of the back of the end zone. He’ll be around for a long time, for sure.
Easton Stick: Move the sticks, throw it to the sticks, hit the sticks, stick it to them, throwing a pick stick(s), stick up for his teammates, joystick, stick and move…
Dee Liner: Guess where a guy with the name Dee Liner plays? On the defensive line! My parents should have named me Tyler Winsthelottery instead, maybe I would have had similar luck.
Philip Rivers: “Cry Me A Rivers” is more reserved for opposing fans. A River Runs Through It is an actual movie, and a title that is incredible considering the quarterback has rushed for negative total yards in three separate seasons.
Adarius Pickett: A safety with the last name Pickett is destined to become the team’s interception leader, right?
Roderic Teamer: Some would argue this safety could play defense, leading the Chargers in defensive snaps against the Cardinals. For now, though, he’s a special…Teamer.
Chris Peace: If he’s ever inactive on game day due to injury, the status report would read: Peace (out).
Drue Tranquill: Tranquill is a Pokémon. Look it up.
Forrest Lamp: Lamp would have a multi-million dollar deal for the advertisement of certain light fixture if the Chargers were still in San Diego. Will Ferrell is a fan.
Sean Culkin: Don’t leave him home alone.
There are plenty of names and silly puns left off this article, so this is the part where fans get to enter in their own creativity. Who deserves to make this team purely based off name alone? Sound off in the comments section below.