2. The Chargers’ players all get stuck in L.A. traffic and are unable to play the game
A mentally focused Rivers looks up from the T.V. screen of his luxury film study van when suddenly he sees something that makes him shudder: traffic in Los Angeles. Right before the big game. Kellen Clemens, a passenger in the same vehicle, sees this as well, but looks back down at his playbook and does nothing because he’s a useless quarterback with no business being on the roster, and isn’t much good to the team anyway. It’s two hours before kickoff, 11:05 to be exact, and Rivers knows he has to make it to the stadium on time. He exits the vehicle, and has to sprint the last two miles in two hours to have a shot to start the game. “Dadgummit,” he thinks, “Eli was benched this week, now my starting streak could come to an end too!”
El Capitan races, but he’s not sure he can make it.
Elsewhere, the rest of the team sits impatient in their own cars.
Travis Benjamin thinks he has the best chance to sprint there due to his world-class speed. He stops to tie his shoe, fumbles it, grabs it and runs nine yards behind him and somehow ends up in Orange County.
Melvin Gordon decides to try and run it himself, but his indecisiveness in the freeway lanes causes him to chop his feet for five seconds at every opening. He doesn’t make it.
Brandon Mebane, a defensive captain and vocal leader, decides he has a better shot of going on top of the cars rather than squeezing through them. However, his massive frame crushes the first vehicle he steps on. Forced to stop and exchange insurance with the exasperated driver, Mebane wonders where in the world the next In-N-Out is.
Somewhere, Keenan Allen and Denzel Perryman are with Melvin Ingram, who is shooting his latest rap music video in the cabin of a private jet. Clemens, doing something useful for once, notifies them via phone call that there is heavy traffic and it’s impossible to get to StubHub. Ingram has a wonderful idea, and decides to use some of that new contract money to get the pilot to fly them to the stadium. The pilot, embarrassed to ask which team they are from, luckily takes a look at Allen’s favorite team’s NFL hat and decides to fly to their home stadium. All is good, and they land shortly. However, they somehow end up in northern California, and the pilot explains he assumed they were supposed to go to Oakland, as Allen was sporting the Raiders hat from his college years on his head. It’s 1:05, and they just missed kickoff.
— Mike (@MikeMolinero) October 2, 2013
Austin Ekeler is the only Charger to make it on time, because he doesn’t wait around and isn’t indecisive. He valiantly tries to play every position, including passing the ball to himself, which the inept referees don’t throw a flag on until halfway through the third quarter. He ends up with -4 rushing yards, but manages to score a passing and receiving touchdown on the same play.
Rivers races into the stadium, checks the watch given to him by his eight children, and sees it’s only 1:35. Only half an hour late! But then, he realizes the stadium is empty. “Dang flibbity, knick knack paddy whack!!!” he exclaims.
It’s 1:35 Monday afternoon, and it’s taken him that long to run two miles.
Final score: Chargers 6 (still can’t make a kick), Browns 49.