Lightning and a Lawnmower


 

What’s good BoltFam!!

So now that Summer is here we are all up to our ears in various outdoor chores.  Between both the heat and humidity here in Charlotte, I do my best to make sure that my honey-do list is charted accordingly to incorporate outdoor activities during the least miserable times of the day. 

One of my daily indoor tasks is to go through my emails each day and delete the useless ones for various reasons.

Which leads me to this article.  I found the email listed below and died all over again reading it at least 5 times. 

This has NOTHING to do with the Chargers.  Please forgive me for posting it here.  BUT, this is one the funniest things that I have ever read, heard, etc. in my entire life.

However, I do caution all readers in advance of reading this article.  There is a small chance that you could die from laughter.

There are some parts that are a little inappropriate.  Enough explanation. Let the laughs begin! 

LIGHTNING AND A LAWN MOWER

 

For those of us who do work in the yard occasionally.. Remember the checklist! If you don’t laugh hysterically at this,…CHECK YOUR PULSE…this is funny….and true. This was sent by a retired dentist.

We have the standard 6 ft. Fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city. To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence.

Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. Long ground rod, and drove it 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.

One day I’m mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6 hp big wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way.

It seems as though I hadn’t remembered to unplug it after all.

Now I’m standing there, I’ve got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover.

Time stood still.

The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine.

It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of shit lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.

Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you’re all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.

At this point I’m about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can’t let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences….. But Dad always had those pieces of shit chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled.

This one I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I’m thinking I’m going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.

‘Damn!,’ I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!

Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest I think ‘Oh God, please die.. Pleeeeaze die’. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner’s right foot..

So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day…he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created..

I honestly don’t know how I got loose from the wire…I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned.

There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.

Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:

1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted.

2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).

3- Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think.

4- My left eye will not open.

5- My right eye will not close.

6- The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.

7- My nuts are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long.

8- I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don’t understand this???)..

That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things.. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.

The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I mow.

Tags: Hilarious

  • RMainwaring

    Dude, that is hilarious!! LMAO!! The story is funny in itself but the way it’s told, even funnier.

  • JENFABULOUS

    What’s the magic word? LOL RT “@BoogaP: @JENFABULOUS http://t.co/SdKpqi8W Read this ;P”

  • Billy_Jo_

    @BoogaP don’t play wit me…

    • BoogaP

      @Billy_Jo_ huh?

      • Billy_Jo_

        @BoogaP hilarious! I thought you were sending me to read a Chargers story! That was funny! Thanks.

        • BoogaP

          @Billy_Jo_ ;) I am honest all the time! :)

  • JENFABULOUS

    @BoogaP I don’t get the story…I don’t mow LOL #blonde

  • CT2SD

    Amazing! All 3 bodily fluids at once? I heard of the myth but i guess this confirms it. Welp, add another thing to the bucket list!

  • dixie_dupree

    @BoogaP OMG OMG OMG!!! I HOWLED! BD and I sat here and laughed like fools!! SO funny!! Hope you’re ok, no long lasting effects!!

  • dixie_dupree

    @BoogaP I wish I could trophy this! OMG

  • Sportsguy307

    @BoogaP yes sir! Lol

  • RosaRoar

    @BoogaP haha!

  • Caparthia

    @BoogaP @Medeiros83 lol, is that real? Hope not! #BoltUp

  • Charger_Gal

    @BoogaP Ewwww… We just came from the dumpster and I wanted to throw up. Don’t know about all three tho. Lol!

  • Bolts_NFL_music

    LMAO what kind a story is this haha, but kinda good read. But damn that #3 in that list above UURGh, damn too much information :) the #8 is funny as hell too :)

  • Neva9qgt86zm

    @DarrellStuckey http://t.co/7lHVFXbg

  • BoogaP

    @DarrellStuckey LOL!

  • BoogaP

    @jollygreen66 Huh? @BB_Chargers Can u help my boy Nick? Thx Ernie. Wont let him log in to leave a comment on BoltBeat!

  • ChargerChris

    Hahaha that was awesome. I’m glad you’re alright.

  • nry0713

    @BoogaP Tell me this is not real lol

    • dedubb4

      @nry0713 right?

      • nry0713

        @dedubb4 Read this —> “@BoogaP: @nry0713 http://t.co/GYT996vX … lol. Check it…. lol”

        • dedubb4

          @nry0713 I did, that’s what I wanted to know if it was real

        • nry0713

          @dedubb4 No idea lol @BoogaP knows I guess lol

        • BoogaP

          @nry0713 @dedubb4 True story. But, by the way, Its not me!! Got it from a customer at the bank I used to work for!! Hilarious!

        • nry0713

          @BoogaP @dedubb4 Damn lol

  • nyMari

    Wow..lolol

  • jollygreen66

    That’s hilarious I almost pooped, peed and vomited laughing! Lol

  • boltsfan1972

    That’s hilarious!!!!

  • biggsybolt

    ROTFLMAO!!!!

  • Sportsguy307

    @BoogaP that is crazy!!

  • BoJackRusso

    This is even funnier if you know about engines and cams. LMMFAO!!

  • pels04

    My laughing shook the bed so much I just woke my wife up ha