I’m not sure what my problem was these past few weeks but I’ve watched the Chargers preseason games more often than a normal person should. Every time I was bored or couldn’t sleep I’d fire up a preseason game on my DVR and watch it. Because of this, I’ve developed sort of a 6th Sense about this Charger team to the point where I feel like I know exactly how the season will unfold. As such here are 50 predictions for the 2011 Charger season:
50. Bob Sanders will not miss a game this season due to injury.
49. There will be a blackout in San Diego County the week leading up to the season opener and idiots will flood the store to buy food and water (even though you don’t need electricity to have running water). These idiots will subsequently feel like morons when power is restored within a couple of hours.
48. Sanders and Takeo Spikes will bring toughness and leadership to the defense not seen since the days of Randal Godfrey and Steve Foley.
47. Brian Walters will replace Darren Sproles as “The cute little guy we have returning kicks.”
46. The Chargers Special Teams will NOT allow a single kick or punt to be returned for a touchdown this season. In part due to improved Special Teams play but mostly due to the new kickoff rules.
45. Mike Scifres will be selected to his first Pro Bowl and will earn his nickname, “The $20 Million Dollar Punter.”
44. Nate Keading will continue to be a mental midget and this will be his last year as a Charger.
43. Marcus McNeil, Kris Dielman, Nick Hardwick, Louis Vasquez and Jeremy Clary establish themselves as the best offensive line in football.
42. Antonio Gates continues his excellence and establishes himself as a bona fide 1st ballot Hall of Famer.
41. Larry English will continue to struggle staying healthy and fail to assimilate himself into a 3-4 OLB. This leads to AJ Smith finally admitting his mistake and looking to draft to trade for an OLB for the ’12 season.
40. There will be approximately 5,000,000,000 Tweets from Bolt Nation reminding everyone that AJ Smith passed over Clay Matthews to draft that stiff, Larry English.
39. In Week 1, Norv Turner will be out coached by Leslie Frazier, McNabb shortens the game by checking down to his receivers, the Vikings sit in Cover 2 and force the Chargers to run the ball, Adrian Peterson makes some big plays and the Chargers will lose the first game of the season to the Vikings 20-17.
38. Chargers will also lose the following week against the Patriots.
37. After another 0-2 start, half of Bolt Nation will be on suicide watch while the other half will be calling for and Norv Turner and AJ Smith’s heads.
36. Peter King, Rich Eisen, Brian Billick, Warren Saap and Michael Irvin will all backtrack and forget that they picked the Chargers to make it to the Super Bowl.
35. Rodney Harrison and Tony Dungy will continue to hate on the Chargers on “Football Night in America.” Harrison because he’s still bitter the Chargers cut him and Dungy because of all the times the Chargers took his ass to the Smack Down Motel.
34. Norv Turner will cut Stephen Cooper once he realizes the Chargers don’t play the Colts this year.
33. Donald Butler will make us forget about Kevin Burnett.
32. The Chargers will avenge getting swept by the Raiders last year by beating them twice by a combined score of 75-0.
31. Raider fans will continue to remind us that the Chargers have never won a Super Bowl even though half of them weren’t alive the last time the Raiders won a Championship.
30. We will remind Raiders fans that their owner probably has three brain cells left and they are probably all fighting with each other. We will also remind Raider fan that most likely, their starting quarterback next year will be Terrelle Pryor who’s a skinnier, faster JaMarcus Russell without the arm. (Have fun living through that again Raider fans!)
29. Antonio Garay will have a breakout season and people will begin recognizing him for the badass beast that he is.
28. Ryan Matthews earns his Charger strips Bolts by rushing for 1,200 yards and scoring over 10 TDs.
27. Mike Tolbert will continue to be the best Dougie-er in the NFL.
26. Everything about Luis Castillo will continue to be mediocre… except for the 5 year $43.1MM contract he signed in the summer of 2008.
25. For the first time in ages, the secondary will be decent this year with Quentin Jammer and Antonie Cason holding it down on the outside and Eric Weddle and Bob Sanders making plays on the backend.
24. There will be at least one game where Vincent Jackson, Malcolm Floyd, Patrick Crayton and Antonio Gates are all healthy and Rivers will have the best set or receivers in football at his disposal.
23. Vincent Brown will not make an impact this year with the Chargers eventually putting him on IR.
22. The Chargers will make it through the season without a drunken incident in the Gaslamp or Pacific Beach or having an off duty police officer follow any one of their players and shoot them in front of their own home.
21. LaDanian Tomlinson will take at least one potshot or make one backhanded compliment about the Chargers the week leading up to the Chargers October 23rd game versus the Jets.
20. No one from San Diego buys Tomlinson’s gaudy house that’s listed for $5.2MM. In other words, it sits on the sidelines like Tomlinson did during the 2008 AFC Championship Game.
(I don’t mind striking first)
19. The Chargers avenge their playoff loss to the Jets in the 2009 Divisional Round (sort of) by beating them 24-14. Tomlinson is ineffective and afterwards AJ Smith leaves Tomlinson a box of Chargers Legacy, because Tomlinson is the Chargers all-time biggest whiner.
18. Vincent Jackson establishes himself as a Top 5 receiver in the league racking up over 1,300 receiving yards and 12 TDs.
17. The Chargers will sign Jackson to an extension prior to the end of the regular season.
16. By Week 6 we will forget how badly we wanted Darryl Gamble to make the Chargers during the preseason.
15. Corey Liuget will emerge as a star on defense and will be in the DROY conversation all season.
14. The week leading up to the game at Chicago on November 20, Phil Rivers will laugh when he remembers that people once thought Jay Cutler was a better QB than him.
13. Eric Weddle catches more INTs than he drops. The number of Charger fans still bitching that AJ Smith overpaid Weddle this summer will decline by 30%.
12. San Diegans will be appalled at the number of fat people in our fair city on November 6 when the Cheeseheads come to town for the game versus the Packers.
11. The Chargers-Packers game will be the best game of the NFL season with Phil Rivers outdueling Aaron Rodgers 38-35.
10. When the Bills come to town December 11 “Lights Out” Shawne Merriman will make his triumphant return to San Diego by not playing in the game due to injury but going H.A.M. at the Stingaree the night before the game.
9. The Chargers will sweep the AFC West.
8. Neither Shaun Phillips, Antwan Barnes, nor Travis LaBoy will register at least 10 sacks this season.
7. The Chargers offense shatters the team single-season record of 492 points (set by the ’06 team) by scoring 500+ points.
6. The inability to consistently stop the run and pressure the passer will continue to be a problem for the Chargers defense.
5. The offense is so good it will hardly matter.
4. Phil Rivers throws for over 5,000 yards and 30 TDs on his way to winning the MVP Award.
3. The Chargers will clinch the AFC West by Christmas.
2. The Chargers will finish 13-3 earn a first round bye and get home field advantage.
1. The Chargers will lose to the Steelers in the AFC Championship Game.
(No way I’m joining the national media and thier conspiracy to jinx the Chargers by picking them to make/win the Super Bowl this season)
Follow me on Twitter @KenCaminiti21